Sunday, May 1, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
RTOG: Wolfchild (SNES, 1992)
Hey, little bro. I know what's got you down. You're at an awkward time in your life. Your loins are atwitter with all these new feelings and you're not quite sure what to do with them. I know, you wanna be a ladies' man, but you just don't know how. Well, let me introduce you to something that helped me when I was your age.
It's called Wolfchild, and after you're done with it you'll see that you don't need to be a ladies' man. No, you can be something more. You can be a man's man.
Look at our hero here. The pinnacle of masculinity. Notice the flowing locks of moon-silver hair. Look at his stance, straddling the world between his meaty hams. And check out the open shirt. It says, "Here I am wind. Graze my chiseled pecks." As you guide our hero through his adventure, you might just make a few discoveries of your own. (But don't tell mom!) You, too, can be a wolfchild.
So let me know how it turns out. I've gotta go take my mustache for a walk.
"Yeah, so this is me."
It's called Wolfchild, and after you're done with it you'll see that you don't need to be a ladies' man. No, you can be something more. You can be a man's man.
"Oh. Hi. I'm just climbing these stairs."
Look at our hero here. The pinnacle of masculinity. Notice the flowing locks of moon-silver hair. Look at his stance, straddling the world between his meaty hams. And check out the open shirt. It says, "Here I am wind. Graze my chiseled pecks." As you guide our hero through his adventure, you might just make a few discoveries of your own. (But don't tell mom!) You, too, can be a wolfchild.
"Unleash your animal! Do what feels good!"
"HETERO-PUNCH!!!"
Monday, April 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
RTOG: Plastic Kitten (PC, 2002)
Chaz: Hello? Hello? Who’s there?
Doug: Yo! C-Dog, it’s Doug.
Chaz: Oh. Doug. Yeah, what you got for me?
Doug: Okay, check this out: Remember Q*bert?
Chaz: Yeah, Q*bert. Had a machine in the old arcade by the high school. Right next to the pinball machine. The one I did that girl on. Big titties.
Doug: Okay, so speaking of which, get this: Q*bert with titties.
Chaz: Titties?!
Doug: Big titties.
Chaz: Brilliant.
Doug: And spandex. Shiny red spandex. Oh, and cat ears. Kids love the cat ears.
Chaz: Shit.
Doug: What?
Chaz: We’re gonna be rich.
Doug: Filthy rich.
Chaz: What about the music? Gotta have music.
Doug: Alright alright check it out.
Chaz: Yeah?
Doug: We’re gonna take some midi files of old songs and just toss ‘em right in there.
Chaz: Nice.
Doug: Okay man, I gotta get going. Got a date.
Chaz: Big titties?
Doug: Nah man, she’s like sixty.
Chaz: Oh shit son. Apples gone bad, huh?
Doug: It’s cool, man. You know how I love me some low-hanging fruit.
Monday, January 24, 2011
RTOG: Arcade Volleyball (PC, 1988)
Hello to all! Microforum Mfg Inc would like to proudly announce the release of its first title, Arcade Volleyball! Play your friends in a friendly match or dare to take on the computer in a volleyball battle of wits, in this premier title from MMI!
Spike! Oh, Jeffrey...
How did this thrilling sports title come to be? Well, it all started with our son Jeffrey’s love of volleyball. You see, our son Jeffrey loved to play volleyball with us, but he has recently developed a condition that makes playing volleyball more difficult than it used to be. So, on a wing and a prayer and a second mortgage, we opened Microforum Mfg Inc in order to develop a software that allows us to play volleyball together again.
Our first day!
We hope you will enjoy this game as much as we do. It’s a fun game for all, but for us, it allows us to play volleyball just like Jeffrey is still here. We love you Jeffrey and we miss you!
Arcade Volleyball is in stores now! Please support our future game development and pick up a copy!
Do it for Jeffrey!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
RTOG: Umihara Kawase (Super Famicom, 1994)
Umihara Kawase, which—if my studies at easyjapanese.org have taught me anything—translates to “Little Girl Blood Adventure,” is a coming of age story about one girl’s struggle with her changing body.
Having experienced her first period, Umihara steals her father’s fishing pole and starts her doomed odyssey back to childhood. She has taken her father’s means to provide a living—his very manhood, from a Freudian perspective—in rebellion against her own womanhood.
Umihara’s journey is dreamlike and her foes represent the sexual awakening from which she runs. She faces fish (representing the unclean vagina) as well as eels (the phallic). It seems fitting then, that the slippery phalluses toss pills at her—a thinly-veiled metaphor for man’s desire to suppress woman’s menstrual mood swings with modern medicine.
By using the fishing pole to battle these creatures, little Umi has already accepted that her only escape from her own unclean nature is a man’s device. We can read her trip into the wilderness is a temporary escape, as she prolongs the inevitable. As a woman, she will always be subservient to man and no amount of grappling hook action can change that. Just like the good old days my dad always talks about.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
RTOG: Napkin Race (PC, 2003)
"Hey sis, what's that you're playing? Gran Turismo? Why that's for pussies, don't cha know! Here, try Napkin Race, the thrilling new driving opus from Steinsoft. Take the wheel of some jazzy cool race cars, just like the wooden ones at grandma's house--without the bitemarks!"
Witness the power of OpenGL and race at a heart-stopping 299 frames per second! Psst... That's almost ten times the frame rate of leading racing games.
Mind-blowing features include:
- Play through ten exciting napkin themes, including Geese, Christmas, and Heart!
- Choose your poison! With easy, medium, and hard difficulties, you've got options!
- Start a family feud! Up to four players can compete in highly competitive, intense competition, so grab your mom, grab your dad, grab your cousin, grab yourself!
- Short on time? Dial that 60 second timer back and enjoy exhilarating 10 second races!
- Kneel before the power of EXPLOSIVE sound. A totally hoppin' porn groove soundtrack accompanies the intense toy-like squeaking as cars bump into one another. Crank those tunes and convince your neighbors that you're into rubber ducky diaper porn!
"What' that, sis? You challenge me to tag mode? Alright but if I win, you have to do my chores for a week, and no crying this time."
What are the critics saying about Napkin Race? Let's take a look!
"its the best racing game which supports 4 player split screen .highly fun and addictive.
- Acid-Play.com
“Ridiculously… bearable…”
- Acid-Play.com
“first post!!! I win! Nice f**king screenshot, cause I'm the size of an ant (sarcasm).”
- MegaGames.com
“i havent tried this game because it looks dumb,but isnt it nice that the mentally challenged can get a thrill out of being the first one to post”
- MegaGames.com
“oh you're real tough saying that shit over the internet. Seriously if you're a pussy in real life don't go running your mouth off anywhere else, you mouthy little f**k.”
- MegaGames.com
“hey,looks like somebody touched an ant sized nerve in an ant sized brain....ha ha ,(he probably has an ant sized p**is too!)”
- MegaGames.com
They love it!
So don't get left in the dust, you butt-fella. Try Napkin Race today!
Sources and resources: Acid-Play, Softpedia, MegaGames
RTOG: Freeride Earth (PC, 2000)
Hey, you. Yes you. Do people call you a loser? Do girls point at your crotch and laugh? Do your friends beat you up and spit on your shoes?
Of course they do, because you haven’t played Freeride Earth.
What’s Freeride Earth? Well, I really shouldn’t tell you without consulting the other cool kids, but I’m feeling generous today. In FE, you—the player—have survived Earth’s greatest catastrophe, a nuclear war that’s scorched the skies and left the planet wrapped in a never-ending winter. Harsh, huh?
Not when you’re radical 2 the xtreme! Strap into your propeller board and get your sick on! Ride across a limitless environment of toxic snow! Do awesome spin tricks! Be the man! Or just mellow out and enjoy the extreme scenery and badass music trax!
Killer!
Tired of boarding aimlessly? Shred through the contest gate and start the timer. You’ve got 60 seconds to prove your snowy excellence. Grab your brahs and chomp some ‘za while you show everybody that you have what it takes to get the high score. Win bragging rights with your buds and make your mom proud! Your hot new girlfriend not putting out? Don’t get mad—go on a downhill assault instead!
And just look at these rockin’ graphics! Look at that lens flare!
Monumental!
Supreme!
It’s the face of God!
What’s keepin’ ya? Freeride Earth is compatible with Windows 98, 2000/ME, XP, Vista, 7, and your mom’s ass. So get on it!
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